Andy Barnes

The sound of gunfire could be heard coming from the direction of Villodas,a sleepy Spanish town on the banks of thr River Zadorra.Dust clouds were to be seen rising from the valley beneath the town......"Your majesty Les Anglais have crossed the Zadorra in force,and we have recieved a despatch from General Mancin at Puebla that a large force of British,Portuguese and Spanish troops are advancing towards the Puebla heights."informed General Gazan exitedly
"Merde! why did my brother insist on sending me to this god forsaken country? I am not a soldier i am a diplomat thought King Joseph worriedly to himself" ......"Send a rider back to Mancin .He is to hold up the allied attack as long as possible.Meanwhile we will fight a defensive withdrawl."We must return to France with this army Gentlemen.The Emperor is badly in need of troops".The Kings staff looked at each other knowingly each one of them thought "COWARD"

______________________________________

Greg Colman

"This morning, 21 June 1813, at approximately 8:45 Spanish time His Majesties forces and various other allied elements under the overall command of General Arthur Wellesley, crossed the Rio Zadorra in force hell bent on kicking the frog out of the Iberian Peninsula once and for all. General Wellesley is reputed to have over 60,000 troops at his diposal which he feels is "probably the most complete machine for its numbers now existing in Europe." The question on everyones mind now is can the frogs hold on??

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

General LG Alten,was enjoying a mug of tea kindly donated by a driver of one of the supply wagons.

"What do yer reckon General Sir,are the Froggies gonna put up a fight?"asked Jenkins the train Sargeant-Major worriedly.
"Dont you be worrying yourself about the bloody French Mr Jenkins,my boys out there will be seeing them of shortly.so they will"General Alten standing on top of a supply wagon raised the brass plated telescope (a parting gift from his wife Elizabeth) to his eye and studied his troops movement towards an olive grove which covered the slope of a ridge to the troops front.He could see General Vandeleur directing his men when suddenly General Vandeleur crumpled in his the saddle of his horse .His body lifeless as his aide panickly tried to revive him.To the front of the redcoated infantry French light troops were using the cover of the olive grove and were pouring out a galling fire into the stunned British troops.
"By my Lord Vandeleurs been hit "spluttered General Alten tea spraying Sargeant Major Jenkins hat.

"Sir dont you think we ought to get near a freindly battalion General Sir?"
"Rubbish man ,we are save as in hares in the burrow in this outcrop"bellowed Alten sneeringly.

Sargeant Major Jenkins made to reply but all that happened was his mouth opened and closed like a goldfish out of water struggling for air,"whats up Jenkins cat got your bloody tongue?"laughed the General.Suddenly Jenkins vomitted a huge gobbit of blood covering the Generals chest in a massive stain of red."Good God man " the General whitened with shock and disgust.
Suddenly all hell broke loose as blue uniformed infantry screaming viscious commands to surrender or die crashed through the outcrop of trees to overcome the surprised wagon train crew.

"Pierre you will get a medal from the Emperor himself for this look who we have here ,a real English General and hes still drinking Tea haaaaa haaaa"
Sir i request your Parole do i have it" The young French lieutenant Pierre Bufen challenged General Alten.

The stunned and pale faced General could only nod..

French troops captured a high ranking General in the vicinty of Villodas today.Troops of the 9 Leger regiment also claim killing or wounding another high ranking allied officer.French troops continue to withdrawl in good order and have inflicted light casualties on the advancing British troops.

______________________________________

Greg Colman

Lieutenant-General Sir Wellington, eye to spyglass atop the bluffs of Nanclares stood watching Vandeleurs Brigade clearing the sleepy village of Villodas and pressing the Frogs back towards Margarita when to his chagrin Vandeleur crumpled in his saddle. "Gad man, one cawnt make the bleedin' omelet without breaking the bloomin' eggs, eh what?" Turning to a convenient subaltern the Genaral barked "You there, ride for all you're worth over to Vandeleurs Brigade and give the Colonel commanding my complements."

Meanwhile, Lieutenant General Steward's 2nd Division converged upon Puebla Castle, another bit of drama on this day of what is sure to be many telling dramas.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

Pascal Blanc lifted his right buttock from the brown leather saddle and with all his might squeezed a massive fart from his bottom which ,startled the brown mare and its rider Patric Declerc ...."Mon dieu you filthy bastuard Pascal!!!" grimaced Declerc,"Save your dirty bottom for the Red coats,pooooh that is disgusting man.
what have you been eating?"

"That, mon Amis is a delicate Spanish bean fart!!grinned Pascal"Your nag nearly nuts herself for fright "chuckled the wily dragoon."You are such an uncouth piece of Marseille nuts Blanc countered Declerc.
Declerc shifted his saddle sore thighs to ease the pain.

The two riders were out on a knoll above the Zadorra river on the look out for any British movement in that area."I hope the shopkeepers dont come zis way my freind!exclaimed the surly dragoon,"theyll have our balls on a plate if they catch us here!

Pascal swatted a horsefly from his face annoyingly," i hate this f**king country,nothing but flys and pignuts,i cant wait to get home to my little Marie you know?and to exagerate he made an obscene movement with his pelvis to emphasise his point.

" You realy are a primitive piece of Southern scum Blanc,Marie must have been mad marrying a stinking fisherman like you,taunted Patric,"what she sees in an ugly piece of Wolfs nuts like you ill never know "

Just as Pierre was preparing to let of another massive fart in Patrics direction he froze as he suddenly saw the gleam of thousands of bajonetts flashing in the Spanish sunlight."Holy mother of a wolfs arse Patric ,look over there" Patric stared in dismay." The stiff necks are coming alright i count at least five battalions so far,how about you?" "You are right my friend lets get the hell out of here and report back before we run into their light dragoons". "Patric?" shouted Pierre grimly
" What now? "replied Patric

Pierre lifted his arse and let rip with another massive rip roaring fart and fell into a stupor of hysterical laughter."You are a stupid piece of dung Pierre" grumbled the dragoon

______________________________________

Greg Colman

"Good Gawd Almighty, what is that infernal smell?"

An aide standing at Wellington's elbow points towards the scampering French and says, "It's eminating from the French side of the river, Sir."

"Harumph!" No surprise that, one must always smell a Frenchman 5 minutes before he arrives, eh?"

"Yes Sir!" Says the aide, says he.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

French troops have inflicted heavy casualties on what is to believed to be a brigade size formation of Portuguese troops,near the village of Arrangiuez.The Portuguese were caught in a flank attack and were brutally handled.French losses were light.Elsewhere,French light infantry continue to harass allied troops advancing on a wide frontage towards the town of Vittoria.Reports of a planned massive French counter-attack in the Puebla Heights district have been denied by French sources." We have the enemy in sight and will deal a deathly blow when the time is right" commented and aide to King Joseph.

______________________________________

Greg Colman

HURRAH...HURRAH...HURRAH!!!!

The sleepy villages of Villodas y Margarita, LIBERATED from the Tyrant Boney and his sicophantic sibling.

Three more cheers for Wellington...Hip...Hip...Hurrah!!!

Wellington

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

"Here Mon Amis,drink this" Papi Mouton carefully held his canteen to the lips of his dying friend Jean Claude.

Mouton poured some cognac into his comrades mouth.
Jean Claude coughed and swallowed the cognac ,the liquer warming his throat as it went down.

"Merci my friend! I knew you would not leave me alone to die" grimaced Jean Claude as another spasm of pain shook his body.A cannon ball from a British gun had smashed Jean Claudes left leg to a bloody pulp.It had been such a unlucky shot for the French Voltigeur.The two men had been a team ever since the battle of Austerlitz and had lived through so many terrible battles,Jean just could not believe his luck that he should now have to die in this god forsaken hot and dusty country to a stray cannon ball!

"Oh mon dieu,Papi!What a rotten piece of luck,we nearly made it my friend didnt we?"wimpered Jean Claude tears streaming down his powder blackened face.
Jean turned the crude tornique around the top of his thigh tighter in a helpless attempt to stem the flow of blood.

"That we did Jean,that we did!Do you remember the promise we made at Eckmuhl?We both swore that either we both made it back to Paris and opened a tavern or we both would go down fighting."
" AAAAGHH the pain Papi" Jean Claude screamed
"Yes i remember" Jean gulped down more Brandy.

"We were so young then and ready to take on the whole Austrian army alone" Jean smiled grimly at the thought."But you must live now my friend,live to build that Tavern you must do that for me Papi!!"pleaded Jean Claude
Another spasm of pain racked the Frenchmans body once more
"Oh it hurts so bad Papi"
" I know my friend,i know but you must now be quiet my friend there are Spanish swines coming towards us you know what the Spanish pigs will do to us if they find us here?"

Spanish militia were advancing steadily up the slope not far from the rocky outcrop behind which the two men sheltered the Spanish took no prisoners and any they found would suffer a slow death .

"Papi im cold Papi dont leave me" cried Jean Claude
"Im here Jean Claude i will never leave you"
"Papi its so dark where are you Papiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..........."

Jean Claude let out a dying sigh ,his body went limp in the arms of his comrade and friend Papi.

"Sleep tight mon amis sleep tight " cooed Papi lovingly to the dead Voltigeur."I will not break my promise Jean,i will not!"

With that Papi slid the long steel bajonette from its leather sheath on his belt and attached it to his muskett
He checked that the pan was primed and readied himself,he gulped the remaining Brandy down his parched throat and let the fury he felt inside his chest overcome him.

The Spanish troops were weary from the climb up the slope they didnt notice the two Frenchman as they past the rocks where they were hidden.They were militia poorly trained and raggedly dressed,most wore no shoes.

The first Spaniard to die was an old man he was smoking a claypipe on which he now bit in agony as Papi rammed the long steel bajonette through the Spaniards back forcing the point to emerge from the mans chest in a blood spouting exit.Papi howled like a demon and certainley the Spaniards thought this blackened and blood smeared creature emerging from the rocks was a demon from hell."YAAAAAAAAAAAH DIE YOU SPANISH SCUM" Papi screamed,He placed the flat of his foot on the old mans backside and kicked the body free from his bayonette.Moving with incredible speed he fired the musket point blank into the face of the next Spaniard a lad barely 16.The ball exploded from the back of the Spaniards head spraying brain and gore into the petrified men behind him.The Spaniards were still stunned by the surprise attack and seemed frozen to the spot as Papi brought the stock of the musket in an upward swing crashing it into the jaw of his next victim.A sickening crunching sound was heard as teeth and bone were smashed to a pulp of the Spanish sargeant.The man fell unconscious to the ground.Papi reversed the musket so that he was able to swing the gun like a mighty club and with terryfying force split the skull of his next victim ..the mans head seemed to crumple like an egg shell under the force.

Captain Juan Rodrigo finally recovered his stunned senses.He pulled his pistol a gift from a british dragoon,
from his trouser belt and took aim.....
Papi felt a searing pain in the small of his back before he heard the report of the pistol shot.

His legs crumpled beneath him ,Papi knew he had little time left to live.Like a wild animal he grappled the leg of a terrified militiaman and pulled him too the ground,The dying Frenchman clawed and gouched at the Spaniards face,sheer brute force ripped the nostrils of the Spaniard spraying blood onto the ground.Papi rammed his thumb into his opponents right eye popping it like a ripe grape,the Spaniard screamed in agony and begged for his life.
Papi still clung to the Spaniard as his heart was pierced by the long wicked blade of Captain Rodrigo.
"I kept my promise Jean i kept my promise" was the last thing Papi roared up at the Spanish Captain.

"Here is another one "Capitano shouted one of the Spaniards as the body of Jean Claude was found."Hes Dead"
"Cut of both the bastards heads and pricks and stuff their genitals in their filthy French mouths then shove their heads on long poles .Leave them for the ravens to feast on"snarled Captain Rodrigo angrily
"Next time be on your guard you useless pack of pigswill
we cant afford to loose any more men like that"

______________________________________

Greg Colman

This just in from the Spanish Front:

"Despite typical Gaullic over reaction and misguided fervor, General Sir Wellington's formidable allied host presses further into enemy occupied territory fueled by his determination to rid Iberia of bad French manners once and for bloody all."

"When pressed for comment on the recent setback experienced by the Portuguese Mr. Wellington had nothing to say. He merely shrugged and pointed towards Puebla Castle as if to say 'Ce le guerre'."

Unknown Correspondent

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

"Mary mother of God save our souls" screamed a spanish infantryman in terror.His scream was cut short as his head was sliced clean from his shoulders by the razor sharpe sword of a French Dragoon sargeant.

Blood erupted from the neck of the headless torso spraying the flank of the dragoons battle maddened steed.

The dragoons wreaked carnage on the stricken Spanish troops.Surrounded on all sides over a thousand men were butchered under the scorching Spanish sun.Men were cut to pieces,trampled in the dust like rag dolls.

A single Spanish battalion had managed to form square the men stared in shock at the massacre all around them.Some desperate wounded survivors tried to make their way to the safety of the Spanish square.The battalion commander Colonel Rafael could see what would happen if these men tried to get into the square,they would open a hole and invite the slashing sabres and trampling hooves of the French cavalry among them.Rafael knew what he must do.

" Shoot at the wounded dont let them near the square its our only chance FUEGO,FUEGO FUEGO" the commander roared at his men.Musket fire ripped into Spaniard and French Dragoon alike.The men on foot were ripped from their feet by the ferocity of the Spanish volley.Dragoons and horses were shredded by lead.The stragglers were cut down were they stood.

The dragoons sheared away from the square in search of easier pray.Rafael and his men reloaded and stood,stunned by what they had just done.Rafael crossed himself and murmered "Forgive me Lord ,Forgive me."

French forces are fighting a desperate rear-guard action against newly arrived allied units to the north of Vittoria.Limited success was achieved by French cavalry
when they surrounded and wiped out a battalion of German light infantry.However the ambush was not a complete success during to the fact that just before a planned surprise attack was due to take place, a horse of one of the cavalry units was spooked by a snake.

The panicked steed caused a mass disorder and a stampede of horses carrying their French riders away from the allied troops.A reserve force was able to attack the allies and cause some damage.

Elsewhere other massed French cavalry although suffering some quite heavy casualties succeeded in surrounding and annialating two Spanish battalions a total of over a thousand men.

Allied forces have taken a number of small objectives .French troops continue to fight an ordered withdrawl.

Battle casualties
Allied infantry 6077
cavalry 46
officers 3

French infantry 1496
cavalry 828

______________________________________

Greg Colman

A mere scratch! A triffling piffle! But the Frog will pay dearly in the end. We shall advance till the Union Jack hangs over Paris, by God!

Wellington

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

General Maransin and what was left of his command trudged wearily onward .The sun was blisteringly hot and merciless.

" We held them well my children ,im very proud of you"
encouraged the General.

" Now we must rejoin the rest of the army men"
The Frenchmen,faces blackened with powder burns,many wounded,nodded and murmered acknowledgement.Maransins brigade had held up the allied advance on the Puebla Heights,buying precious time for Josephs Army.Now many bluecoated bodies lie strewn among the rocky outcrops equally lay many Spanish and British dead.Sheer weight of numbers had force the brigade to retreat.The General held his telescope to his eye."Tres bon our Dragoons are coming to help us" The General perked up his spirits." Cognac for all who make it back men" HOOORAAAAH shouted the tired men.

French troops continue a fighting withdrawl towards the town of Vittoria.Allied forces have forced the command of General Marancin to withdraw from the Puebla Heights.French Cavalry continue to mass near the town of Estarona where British forces are concentrated.A Cavalry attack looks imminant

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

(The battle is unfolding,wait out)

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

"Reload" barked Lieutenant Duprey at his gun crew.The gun was manhandled into position at the same time one man swabbed out the barrel of the gun with a sponge ensuring that no smouldering powder deposits were left in the bore that could prematurely ignite the new charge.A bag charge of powder was rammed down the barrel followed by the solid shot.The firing hole was primed.This was all done at an amazing speed.Duprey took a look down the barrel his trained eye satisfied in what he saw.
" READY, FIRE"screamed Duprey
the fine powder on the vent was ignited the deafening roar of the gun shook the ground,the Gun rocked back on its huge wheels .The solid shot hurtled towards the enemy Cavalry forming across the river to the front of the French gunners.Ground conditions were perfect for solid shot,dry hard sun baked ground.The round solid struck the ground just to the front of the British Light Dragoons,the ball ricocheted of the hard ground and struck a bloody swath through man and beast alike.
horses were disembowelled,mens bodies smashed by the hot projectile.The shot bounced once again and once again flew through the lines of troopers killing,maiming and wounding troopers and horse.

"Good shot men"Duprey congratulated his crew."Reload"
This was French gunnery at its best. This was Talavera.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

(Hey Greg this story is getting onesided!! How about a paragraph from you next time?)

General Pack lay face down in the dust.His body was broken and crumpled like a broken doll.The remnants of his brigade had been running for their lives when they were caught and over-run by French Dragoons.

But the tide seemed to be turning.The French had been fighting a viscious and bloody withdrawl.The French Cavalry had played a magnificent part charging ,reforming and charging time and again at the now growing Allied re-enforcements.It was only a question of time before this gallant fight would end!!!
Elsewhere French forces are still withdrawing in good order.Allied forces bieng hampered by terrain and French searching fire.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

French forces lauched a strong counter-attack at the village of La Hernadad today.D`Erlons forces retook the orchards to the front of the village and captured an English battalion.British artillery to the rear of the village aprrox 20 guns,escaped capture very narrowly!!

Spanish troops loyal to the French also took part in the attack.To the north of the battlefield French cavalry continue to try and hold the Allied advance,but face inreasing difficulties.Elswhere the French forces are continueing to withdraw in contact with the enemy.

The ring around Vittoria is tightning. A small heroic French force continues to hold the castle at Puebla.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

French forces have stunned the allied high command today.Commanders Picton ,Anson ,and Dalhousie were lost on the field of battle in a series of daring counter-attacks by French forces.The French still continue to withdraw in good order.

______________________________________

Greg Colman

Three cheers lads. Puebla Castle has fallen!!!

Hip...Hip..HURRAH!

Hip...Hip...HURRAH!

Hip...Hip...HURRAH!

The stinking frogs are scampering like rats.

Pass the port, there's good fellow.

Mr. Wellesley

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

French forces lost a great commander today when General D`Erlon was killed leading an attack against British forces.Although D´Erlon was killed the attack was a success and a battalion of Riflemen estimated at 700 were either killed or captured.The village of La Hermandad was partly retaken after a 3 battalion attack of Spanish troops loyal to the French also wiped out another battalion of Riflemen.Fierce hand to hand fighting is expected as 900 Scottish and Portuguese Troops are now cut off.The battle is really evolving into a butchers shop.

______________________________________

Greg Colman

Bit sticky at La Hermandad, what?

Ah well, pass the port.

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

Major General Kempt ran for his life!! The Riflemen around him were bieng attacked from all sides by French forces.Men were falling to his left ,his right,behind him and in front.His command was dissolving slowly but surely under the relentless French attacks.Kempt staggered as a French musket ball shattered his left elbow.The pain was agonising and blood flowed freely from the wound."Hold them men we have to get back to the river beyond these olive trees"screamed the General! The men were again attacked from the left forcing them to change their direction.The riflemen were like sheep the french were the sheep dogs.A look of disbelif came over Kempts face as he and the remnants of his command emerged from the olive grove and were confronted by six French guns.

The British were torn to shreds by the French cannon.No one survived!!

French forces have surprised the British in a number of feroscious counter attacks.A battalion of Scottish lights were surrounded and cut to pieces by French and Spanish cavalry units as they fled from the village of La Hermandad.Elsewhere a routing Portuguese battalion was captured,British and Portuguese Cavalry have been cut of by French forces in the vicinety of Zumetzu.Elsewhere French forces have withdrawn in good order stalling the allied advance where possible.

The allied attacks toward Gomecha and La Hermandad have been a costly failure.Puebla castle has fallen,the French defenders were finally overwhelmed by massive allied attacks.King Joseph was moved to tears when he heard of the heroic deaths of his men

______________________________________

Greg Colman

Hack and slash, cut and parry...yet another bloody encounter. Heavy losses, but the French must go!

Wellington

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

Lieutenant General Graham couldnt believe his own stupidity in bieng captured.He had been so sure that the French Cavalry had been bluffing.The General had been over-run with a skirmisher unit to far forward of the main force.The Spanish cavalry captain who captured the General couldnt believe his luck.Further south The British cavalry had suffered badly,the elite unit the Life Guards and Princess Dragoons had been slaughtered.The French command could be pleased with the defensive withdrawl so far.!
Casualties are as follows:-

French Infantry 4,835 Allied Infantry 14,622
French Cavalry 2,079 Allied Cavalry 2,528
French Artillery 1 Allied Artillery 24
French Officers 1 Allied Officers 12

______________________________________

Greg Colman

Too damn many Frenchies in Spain, what? Press on lads!

Wellington

______________________________________

Andy Barnes

"Vite ,Vite mon Amis" hurried Captain deLancey his men,the men formed line as they had done so a thousand times before.The approaching Spanish coloumn came on towards them.The French men took aim,the Spaniards so close now that the fear of the leading men could now be seen on their faces,they knew what was to follow."FIRE" 450 muskets splayed their deadly projectiles into the tightly packed Spaniards.Men were thrown back from their feet,uniforms were ripped to shreds,blood sprayed from bodies.The front rank of the Spanish coloumn disappeared!The Spaniards march was halted.Men stood frightenend and confused."Reload"bawled Captain DeLancey .............would the Spanish hold or run?

______________________________________

Greg Colman

They shall HOLD, dammit all! They shall grab onto the froggies beards and kick their bloomin' arses over the Pyrennees! Impudent scoundrels!

Wellesley

______________________________________

 ...to be continued